I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
