no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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