apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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