I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize