we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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