haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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