I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize