We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
