for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
