good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
