I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
