We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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