Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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