i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
