You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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