haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
