Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
