I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
