even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
