I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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