Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
