I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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