I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
