The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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