Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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