The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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