Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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