Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
