can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
