i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
