I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
