About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's shark week go big or go home
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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