my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
