Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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