youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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