I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dicks are not precious.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
