I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
