: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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