Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
