Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
