just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
