once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
