I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
