I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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