Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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