i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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