ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I lost the right to judge tonight
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
