I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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