Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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