Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize