My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
