Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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