You can't motorboat a personality
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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