If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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