I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hippo gnu deer
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
