Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
