Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
