I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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