I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
