I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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